(Ring)

“Hello, this is World Leaders Plumbing, a proud new addition to the Corruption Inc., family of companies. You’re talking to Dolly in customer service. Whom am I speaking with?”

“Hi, this is Ms. Gaia. I have overflowing sinks and…”

“Is this Gabriela Gaia? The one who called the COPS on us?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“Hold please… Sorry for the wait, Ms. Gaia. I see you have called for COPS as well as support earlier this year. So, before we go any further, I am required to tell you this call may also be recorded, monitored, taped, marketed, used, abused, padded, doctored, leaked to the media, or otherwise installed in our archives so we might rewrite history. Is that okay with you?”

“Well no. It is not. Of course, there may not be ‘history’ in a hundred years–as you know it.”

“Well we will monitor you anyway. Big data…”

“Oh, brother…”

“Not funny. Big data is your friend. What seems to be the problem?”

“Your people were supposed to fix my overflowing sinks but my sinks are still overflowing with GHGs from human activities. It’s making a terrible mess. As bad as before your people came by to fix it.”

“Well, Ms. Gaia, you’ll be pleased to know World Leaders Plumbers is at your service day and night. You must have seen our treaty of caring. It’s a WL Plumbing exclusive. Oh, I see you do have our pledge to fix your problem.”

“I don’t want your gutless treaty. I want you to fix the problem. Listen here–I walked the World Leaders representatives around my home for years examining the sinks. They understood the problem, but now they just refuse to fix the problem.”

“It says here: Too much GHG flow from human activities for Gaia’s sinks to absorb. I think we have found the core of the problem.”

“Correct.”

“Let me review their report. Please hold… Hmm, the overflow is extensive–to the tune of 40 gigatons a year. I am so sorry. Please describe what has happened so far and we will get this taken care of right away. Here at World Leaders Plumbing we guarantee satisfaction–unless the problem wasn’t reported correctly. Did you report the problem correctly?”

“I reported it exactly as I was supposed to: Droughts, storms, cyclones, sea level rise, disease, extinction, floods, tornadoes, you name it. Do you know it took almost twenty years for World Leaders Plumbing to respond to my calls? Then another ten years for World Leaders to admit overflowing sinks is dangerous?”

“Now please calm down, Ms Gaia. If you cannot, I cannot help you. Describe what happened when the most recent World Leaders team arrived on site?”

“Your people showed up two weeks ago. Their technical people first went through the overflow issue: They said the total GHG output is about 75 gigatons a year, that my sinks are able to remove about 35 gigatons a year and that leaves about 40 gigatons overflowing every year. And, that 40 gigatons added every year to the system is aggravating an already critical issue. I was surprised to see so much lucidity. Then when the World Leaders project teams got the information, instead of fixing the problem–eliminating the 40 gigaton-overflow–your people wrote a treaty saying you hope to reduce the overflow, but not eliminate the flows. Therefore World Leaders Plumbing is not fixing the problem: an imbalance.”

“And during this time your sinks were overflowing?”

“They were still overflowing when World Leaders went home.”

“I see. Did the sinks eventually stop overflowing?”

“Decreasing overflow is not stopping an overflow. An overflow isn’t addressed until you are at a net zero state. That means no overflowing sinks.”

“Ms Gaia, you claim we at World Leader Plumbing are supposed to stop the overflow–remove the approximately 40 gigatons of excess GHGs per year?”

“Who else?”

“Ms. Gaia I am here to help you. Please do not get so energized. Can I continue?”

“Please.”

“What exactly did the on-site WL team commit to?”

“They committed to nothing. They said they will try to slow the output of GHGs by as much as 40% in a couple of decades, or so.”

“That’s impressive, a reduction of 16 gigatons a year.”

“But it’s still leaking! They didn’t stop the flow! It’s still an inundation of my home. Dolly, saying you are going to slow the mess is not the same as stopping the mess. The amount of GHG outflow and the amount of absorption by my sinks has to be equal. That’s how you fix this climate problem. World Leaders Plumbing must control human levels of GHGs so my sinks can handle the GHGs.”

“So you are saying slowing down the GHG overflow doesn’t help anyone if the flows are still making the situation worse. Let me write that down. By the way, did you pay for our services?”

“Yes. I have already lost uncounted species, large parts of the Amazon, a number of major cities, parts of the ocean are untenable, and hundreds of thousands of people die every year from the flood of GHGs in my home. Species extinctions are up and rainfall rates are off the chart.”

“The treaty did help something. It helped our balance sheet. Simple economics is the key here, Ms. Gaia. World Leaders did what it could while making sure we made a profit. So all good–is there anything else?”

“What part of economics is worth extinction?”

“Overflowing GHGs are now considered fixed if we sign a treaty.”

“Says who?”

“Our parent corporation, Corruption Inc.”

“So in the middle of a worldwide climate disaster all I get is a limp treaty? A treaty that says World Leaders are not going to fix the flood of GHGs, but slow it down–maybe–if it’s convenient for Corruption Inc?”

“Now you understand. In your case stopping the overflow, is just not a viable option. But, you will be pleased to know our special Trust-Fund-Baby-Technical-Geek-Squad is on the problem. And they have all made billions of dollars. So they must be smart–right? You can stop worrying, Ms. Gaia. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Are you going to stop the flood of GHGs in my home or not?”

“At this point, we cannot do that. We might slow them down though, kinda’, we think, perhaps.”

“You know the overflows are so bad they could reach to your home.”

“Threats are pointless. I am here to help you. Hold a minute… That was my supervisor. We might be able to slow the leaks down to below 1998 levels.”

“That’s not good enough. GHG sinks have to take up just as many GHGs as humans produce. Net zero is what we need–otherwise–ignoring the truth begs worldwide disasters.”

“Ms. Gaia, World Leaders Plumbing is doing our best. Furthermore, the news media has blessed our efforts. In fact, so far as the media is concerned, the two weeks we spent working on your overflowing sinks was a victory. In fact, the media calls our treaty the start of more ambitious plans. Now how’s that for success?”

“Ambitious plans? You idiots came to my home to stop a leak. Instead, you pledge to slow the leak down, maybe. Then World Leaders executives go out and celebrate. Tell me, honestly, is World Leaders just arguing the merits of extinction?”

“Ms. Gaia. We do plan to make the species carbon neutral–net zero–by 2050, or so.”

“2050 is too late. Another 35 years of accelerating overflow is terminal. Humanity needs to be carbon neutral, which is a zero net overflow–between human output of GHGs and my sinks–right away.”

“We cannot do that, Ms. Gaia. We have the economy to consider.”

“Again Corruption Inc., and its rhetoric of failure. Please get me a supervisor.”

“Hold, please.”