August 6 was anything but a bucolic August afternoon. After as much as six inches of rain fell in three hours, a flash flood gathered in Charlotte, North Carolina. Mobilized through networked climate systems, Hadley Cells, the Coriolis Effect, Kelvin Waves, and the Walker Circulation, the flash flood destroyed property and disrupted commerce. More and more network induced flash floods are materializing across the globe, leaving some scrambling to minimize the spontaneous assemblies of weather.
In 2009, floods that assaulted London were believed to have gotten together due to anthropogenic forcing of the radiative balance. London remains the poster-child for flooding due to the changing climate. Water, attributed to flash floods swells the Thames over and over, spreading into the countryside, inundating shopping districts, and harming people. Many of Britain’s towns report they are being targeted by unruly storms using flash flood tactics.
Across the United States this spring, flash floods arrived via the jet stream causing several million dollars in damage. The loss of lives, thankfully, wasn’t excessive thanks to improved forecasting techniques. But, the sheer size of the storms, their speed of formation, and their impacts on infrastructure has made media spin all but impossible.
In recognition of the problem, lobbyists with the Anti-Bifurcation League issued a statement last week recommending industry minimize use of the term “wet.” An unnamed source from the League added, “Face it. Flash floods are with us due to buffoon-based economic networks, hard money, and unruly lobbying.”
There have even been legislative efforts to criminalize flash floods. The House of Representatives passed a bill to make it illegal to rain too much in a 24-hour period. The President vowed he would veto the measure, “If everyone says that is okay with him or her.” Senate Democrats asked to be marginalized on this issue; their spine donors, a gaggle of jelly fish, were still clustered in international waters. Senate Republicans, in a reversal of trickle down economics, declared that lower taxes would lead to trickle up rainfall. “With lowered taxes, rain will defy gravity and flow up into the clouds,” said a leading Republican Senator. Members of the Tea Party supported the notion, insisting on the addition of a perpetual motion machine, while proclaiming a flat Earth might also help.
Flash floods and other energized weather started off as peaceful and often beneficial acts of planetary weather, such as warm sunny days, an exciting thunderstorm, or a warm summer’s breeze. In recent years, the term weather has evolved from “Wacky”, to “Not-in-recent-memory”, to “Common-as-a-drought-in-Texas” to “Deadly.” Exacerbating the problem are environmentalists and their cohorts–scientists–who exploit the ignorance of the crowds by trying to enlighten them.
“They’re educating crowds with intent behind it, not just to make money from disastrous weather events,” said an unnamed source. “Commerce seems to be unimportant to environmentalists, while human life and human well-being take center stage.” This disturbing trend has worldwide implications. “All too often, some of their intent is positive social growth.”
In Houston, declarations of drought leading to a damaged local economy were blamed in part on scientists and researchers using Twitter, mobile phone text messages, the internet, and instant messaging.
“What is making this unique today is the destruction,” said APES (Advancing Petroleum’s Economic Scenarios). “Storms can congregate at a moment’s notice. They can overwhelm a municipality or a region. The concept of energized weather is no longer an abstract concept.”
Many blame at least part of the problem on stupid, greedy people with too much wealth that cannot seem to relocate their entrenched cerebrums from all-too-familiar surroundings.
An unnamed source with the APES was heard to say that he was not surprised to see the climate using excess greenhouse gases for organizing flash floods, tornadoes, and alike. “You have a planet where large portions of the population ignore basic science while five percent of the population fosters ignorance and misinformation with their incredible wealth,” said the unnamed source. “Why wouldn’t that lead to some sort of planetary unrest?”
An unnamed researcher declared, “Funding disrespect for science, morality, and civil responsibility will lead to many of our upcoming problems with intense, rapidly forming, regional weather events. Flash floods are just the beginning.”
In response, lobbyists with the Anti-Bifurcation League have said: “There is nothing to worry about. The weather is just getting more chaotic.”
No kidding?
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