Anthropogenic Forcing of the Adjective-Balance

You may not remember it, but the noun weather once had simple adjectives associated with it like hot, wet, cold, rainy, sunny, and sometimes stormy. Then, a dozen or so years ago, new adjectives began to sidle up next to weather: wacky, bizarre, cyclical, unpredictable, and coincidental. This last year, an extreme class of adjectives has come forward; words usually reserved for war, or other cataclysmic events. Adjectives like heartbreaking, devastating, massive, catastrophic, calamitous, and threat-multiplier, have all emerged next to weather. This shift has fostered worldwide concern about anthropogenic forcing of the adjective balance and a call for a reduction in adjective use.

Said one stockholder, “Adjectives must be reduced to pre-industrial levels. If the adjective-balance goes chaotic, we will have a big problem.” Others question whether it is even possible for humans to impact the adjective balance. Industry insiders like journalists and editors state changes in the adjective-balance are the natural outcome of our changing planet. Corporate boards assert that additional factors have a more direct impact on the adjective-balance like advertising revenue, economic evisceration, and payroll cutback.

A more complex concept than adjective-as-pure-description, the adjective-balance measures changes in the ratio of energized adjectives to non-energized adjectives in concert with a given noun. Examples of nouns used in conjunction with the current evaluation of the adjective-balance include weather and politician.

“What kind is it? How many are there? Which one is it?” These are the functions of the writers’ tool called adjective–words used for describing nouns. Indispensible for prose, some claim adjectives destabilize the current economic fiasco. Others seek a more laissez-faire attitude toward adjectives, asking, “Are we seeing the imprint of anthropogenic forcing of the adjective-balance or just an increase in extreme adjectives as part of a natural cycle?” The Climatebull presents the following examples from 2011:

• Record-breaking triple-digit temperatures were prolonging a devastating drought that has been baking the South and the dry spell could extend into next year and beyond.
• Snowzilla.
• We must heed warning signs like spikes in the price of food staples.
• 2011 was expected to be the driest calendar year since records were first kept in the late 19th century.
• We have flooded streets that never got flooded before.
• The massive twister was one of 68 reported tornadoes across 7 Midwest states over the weekend. The Joplin tornado tore a 6-mile path across southwestern Missouri, killed at least 89 people, ripping into a hospital, crushing cars like soda cans and leaving a forest of splintered tree trunks behind where entire neighborhoods once stood.
• Hurricane Irene has devastated areas of the Northeast. Couches and refrigerators were floating; some people lost everything including their lives.
• One billion people already suffer serious malnutrition and the number could mushroom.
• Standard & Poor’s estimates the national total damage at $20 billion from Irene.
• We are seeing a devastating increase in extreme weather events worldwide.
• Calamitous crop failures due to heat stress are signals that global warming has begun outpacing the ability of industrial farmers to adapt.
• In 2011, we have seen the most heartbreaking wildfire outbreak in Texas history. Whipped into an inferno by Tropical Storm Lee’s winds over the weekend, the blaze burned more than 45 square miles, with 600 homes destroyed in one catastrophic blaze.
• Climate change is a threat-multiplier.

“In the US, adjective detectors installed by TSA have reduced extreme adjective use,” said one high-placed source who continued with, “An unapproved adjective, or for that matter an unapproved noun, has no place in our transportation system.” This spokesperson, charged with determining the true threat of adjectives, has hinted that certain splinter groups like gerunds, modifiers, and determiners have also come under increased scrutiny.

A European program to lower the continent’s adjective output through Cap and Trade has taken a different approach by focusing on grunting. According to sources inside the EU, “The grunt, like the Euro, is a cross-border structure. There are many cases where a grunt can be traded for an adjective.” When asked about this strategy, an Italian Minister succumbed to a mild choking fit while trying to festoon an umlaut over the U in grunt.

Industry lobbyists representing authors, journalists, and editors believe we might also be staring at a perfect storm of pushback on nouns, verbs, adverbs, and adjective clauses. When asked about the adjective-balance, one researcher responded: “Current programs for dealing with the rapidly changing climate are about as useful as a cherry in a shit-storm. Of course you are going to read more colorful descriptions.” Environmentalists, another large emitter of adjectives, also propose that we should not cap the use of adjectives–claiming attempts to reduce adjectives are the knee-jerk reaction of Pollutionists.

News outlets are working to reduce their adjective output. As expected, other groups are seeking exemptions from any new regulations aimed at reducing adjective use. Large emitters of adjectives like PR firms, corporate marketing communications, think tanks, and lobbying groups contend that they should be exempt, saying they would be singled out by any regulations to curb the adjective-balance.

Said one media EVP, “We continue to look for appropriate words about weather that do not increase our adjective footprint. We believe–totally–that communication is double-good, but some change is not okay with us.” The EVP then added, “Our adjective reductions will not impact a southern presidential candidate valiantly working to support America in every way possible, for the good of us all, unlike the rest of them.” When asked about this blatant proselytizing by corporate-media in support of his campaign, the politician replied, “Adjectives about the weather are poo-poo from the potty. Sorry, no more right now. Gotta’ go.”