It’s not like the comedy of COP 28 is unpredictable…
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October 30, 2000 – Sancho, Quixote, and the Keystone COPS
Sancho: “Nice camera, Quixote, planning on shooting pictures of some oil wells for the den?”
Quixote: “You’re way too cynical, Sancho. I’ve got this camera because I’ve got a new assignment. I’m going to be a director for the cinema.”
Sancho: “And I’m Clark Gable. I thought you were doing that cloning thing?”
Quixote: “No, that’s done. They’ve gotten what they needed from me weeks ago.”
Sancho: “Oh, I remember now. You were doing the marketing on those coral reefs…”
Quixote: “Selling dead pieces of the reef as hood ornaments on SUVs. We’ve made a ton of money on that one. More dead reefs every year and a growing demand. I love it. But, that project is also well underway and I’m not needed anymore. You know we’ve killed 40% of the world’s coral reefs? All that raw material for free.”
Sancho: “A triumph of the will, Quixote.”
Quixote: “And commerce. No, this Keystone COP project needs my special help: as director in charge of building consensus among the COPs–or at least that’s what Ol’ man Sennett says.”
Sancho: “Don’t the COPs agree?”
Quixote: “On some things but it’s the usual stuff–ego, self importance, profits. On the other hand the COPs do all agree they’re getting nowhere artistically. That’s where I came in. They’re finger-pointing each other about their tempo being off.”
Sancho: “Is their tempo off, Quixote?”
Quixote: “Their tempo means nothing, Sancho.”
Sancho: “I don’t understand, Quixote.”
Quixote: “It’s their timing, not their tempo that matters. You know that thing about Nero fiddling while Rome burned?”
Sancho: “I do.”
Quixote: “Our COPs have it all over Nero.”
Sancho: “So are you going to fix the timing?”
Quixote: “Sancho, you should know me better than that. I’m going to tell them their timing is perfect and tell them to stop worrying about it. I need acting not results.”
Sancho: “You’ll lie to them. Now that’s the Quixote I know.”
Quixote: “Sancho, it will not matter if I lie to them. That’s why they’ve picked me. This a rest job for me. I know comedy: humor, giggles, pratfalls, gouges in the eyes, laughter, pie throwing. Or don’t you envirofreaks understand the concept of humor?
Sancho: “I know humor, Quixote, and I know you. You’ll lie to the participants telling them they are doing cutting-edge work and how it is all going great–while you run them straight into a brick wall.”
Quixote: “They are the Keystone COPS. That’s what is supposed to happen. But you know, I know art.”
Sancho: “Sure you do. You’re lying to the actors and producing a watered down version of progress where a zillion police run around in circles and get nothing done.”
Quixote: “Well we haven’t got a zillion COPs yet but we are starting our 6th COP in a few weeks. A Dutch guy-very popular with our financial backing. Problem is he doesn’t want to be neutered like the other COPs. I need to work on that one.”
Sancho: “You must be kidding. Neutered as in…?”
Quixote: “Neutered. Non-viable. Inactive. Unable to, ah, reach one’s full potential. Castrati.”
Sancho: “So then the other COPs are neutered? Don’t they don’t mind?”
Quixote: “They don’t seem to. Beside it makes them funnier when they say their lines. We’ve got a milestone in creativity here, Sancho. The Keystone COPs with sound modified by early 21st century creativity!”
Sancho: “Quixote, you cannot be serious.”
Quixote: “Oh it’ll be great. I hear the new rewrite on the script is dynamite too.”
Sancho: “You hear it’s great? Aren’t you the director? Haven’t you have read it?”
Quixote: “Of course not. I have only heard about the script in top level discussions–at lunch. But I don’t have access to the actual script for the COPs. That’s high level stuff, Sancho.”
Sancho: “But you’re involved in the production?”
Quixote: “I’m directing it.”
Sancho: “How can you direct it without seeing the script?”
Quixote: “It’s on a need-to-know basis, Sancho. And you know me I’m a good corporate knight.”
Sancho: “Until you’re extinct of course.”
Quixote: “There you go again, Sancho. You don’t get it. I saw the earlier COP rushes. It doesn’t take an idiot to recognize the COPs need a new script. But I’m not a script writer so I leave that alone and trust in TPWB. Besides my real job is just to keep the production company, Bread and Circus Productions, in business for a while longer.”
Sancho: “Why?”
Quixote: “Education is an unending task for we of the elite… See, you can laugh.”
Sancho: “Film can be a funny business, Quixote. Can you tell me, is this a remake of an old movie or is it a new script?”
Quixote: “We never vary the script, Sancho. We just change the car chases, move the locale to whatever city needs tourist dollars. Change the romantic leads, update the jokes, show the latest weaponry, then get money from the products we showcase.”
Sancho: “And where’s the art?”
Quixote: “Commerce breeds art. We support commerce. Commerce breeds a better life for all.”
Sancho: “Hallelujah!”
Quixote: “Sancho, you are not in step with art as it is being envisioned for our century.”
Sancho: “That’s obvious. So who’s writing the script–do you know that much?”
Quixote: “I can only guess– I think it’s a joint venture between the CFCs–Carbon Fuels Consortium, Ol’ man Sennett, and some guys from the U-dot N-dot. You know I have seen some of the comedy routines. We have COPs running around in circles. COPs falling in the street. COPs getting run over by SUVs. COPs in a big limousine racing through towns. COPs trying to get paid. But humor is based on the actors you know. My favorite actor is from Japan. He is so funny I just giggle whenever I see him. He’s this big fat guy like a Sumo wrestler. Anyway, we’ve got this one scene where all the other COPs pretend the fat guy is skinny and they run around trying to get this fat guy into a seat that doesn’t fit. He also has this problem with flatulence; that makes the scene a real rib-tickler.”
Sancho: “All class, Quixote.”
Quixote: “Okay, we still have a lot of editing to do. But I need to be careful about who does the cutting and by how much.”
Sancho: “Does it really matter?”
Quixote: “With the guidelines we use–not a bit. But it adds drama for the actors.”
Sancho: “So has there been much cutting?”
Quixote: “No that’s funniest part of all. There hasn’t been any cutting so temperatures are sky-rocketing in our discussions. Sancho, you should hear these people howling about the depths of the cutting that is planned.”
Sancho: “And why is that funny?”
Quixote: “It’s so far from what is necessary I can’t help but giggle.”
Sancho: “And so that’s funny because?”
Quixote: “That’s what the COPs say to me. Here’s what I tell them: I tell them even with no cutting, we are taking a step forward for art and cinema.”
Sancho: “It doesn’t sound like a step forward to me.”
Quixote: “Of course not. This is the Keystone COPs remember? They achieve nothing other than provide amusement and distraction to the audience. I’m merely trying to keep the actors in the right spirit.”
Sancho: “So how does the film end?”
Quixote: “I’m not sure but you ought to see all the stuff that’s being put aside for the big conclusion. Believe me there will be all kinds of mayhem.”
Sancho: “So is that what COPs do: lead us quietly into the mayhem in the end?”
Quixote: “For some. For others the COPs and their antic represent a kind of hope.”
Sancho: “So then it is hope that will eventually come from the COPs–not just humor.”
Quixote: “Don’t be silly, Sancho. At the rate we are going there is almost no hope at all. But we can all guffaw at COPs and their antics. Carpe Diem, Sancho!”
From Chapter 4 – “The Dialogues of Sancho and Quixote – Mythical debates on Global Warming – 1997-2010” Copyright by Daniel H. Gottlieb, 2010. All rights reserved.
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