Jellyfish

A CSIRO marine and atmospheric research team has reported findings that climate change causes an increase in the jellyfish population. “The team believes that for the first time, water conditions could lead to what they call a jellyfish-stable-state, in which jellyfish rule the oceans…”

Oh, fear, agony, concern…Snore…

Oops, let’s try again by enlivening the facts surrounding those slimy denizens of the deep: How a jellyfish-stable-state will ruin the world–stung by a prosaic coma, the article approaches death’s door.

Once more…

Jellyfish not only appear to be taking over the ocean and crowding out other species–the jellyfish culture has somehow incubated itself into the human experience threatening to alter our species via bizarre cross-species fertilization. (Gee, I’d love to write something about genetic engineering causing cross-species illness, but I won’t…Honest.) The increase in jellyfish appears to have facilitated a metaphorical transformation in our species–an ephemeral, yet gelatinous, invasion of the body snatchers. There, that’s much better.

You didn’t you really think this was a serious piece? On jellyfish?

To Wit:

Over the past fifty years, the top one-thousand feet of the oceans has warmed an average of half-a-degree Fahrenheit. Ocean acidification has increased by thirty per cent. Insofar as the effects of acidification: Jellyfish are immune. Then there is overfishing. As other species decline, jellyfish move in to fill the ecological niche. Not so well known is their stealth factor. Jellyfish are not even fish. They are plankton–really big plankton. Some jellyfish can weigh over four-hundred pounds and certain members of the species can grow to one-hundred-and-twenty-feet long. Seventy of the two-hundred species are known to sting. When humans come in contact with certain jellyfish venom, our blood cells swell up and explode. Oh baby! Now we’re cookin’.

Imagine a tsunami thundering on shore, laden with a few hundred thousand stinging jellyfish. Mom, is that plankton on the lawn, on the beds, in the oven? Yum!

So what is the issue with jellyfish, aside from their immanent dominion over the oceans and their innate ability to kill us? It’s the economy, stupid–oh, stop being so easy. I really thought the tsunami thing would have done it…Sigh. Back to economics, drum-roll please: Jellyfish are attacking our food supply, our energy systems, our information flow, and our cultural heritage. Hot damn–now this is blogging!

Next, “The Lather”: those semi-corrupt, intentionally skewed bits of information to get you into a froth–so you will click on advertisements. Oh darn, did I forget to turn on Adwords again? Damn jellyfish.

Did you know a ten-mile-wide and forty-two-foot-thick swarm of jellyfish decimated part of Britain’s farmed-salmon population? Overnight, 120,000 fish were reduced to sushi–due to storm-delivered jellyfish native to warmer waters thousands of miles to the south. The salmon-now-sake, slain by stings and oxygen deprivation, had a market value of two-million dollars. Look at what the Japanese have faced these last few years. In Japan, jellyfish are a staple of the diet. Is there anyway to ignore the possibility that Japan’s problems are pushback from jellyfish? Is such a thing possible? Was Fukishima the inevitable result of a flawed industry hiding its mistakes for over a generation (or is that for generation?), or is it revenge of the gelatinous-body-snatching-jellyfish? Power facilities have been under attack for years: Recent jellyfish blooms have completely overwhelmed some inlet filters for nuclear in Scotland and Japan. Even our stalwart friends, the coal-fired generating plants (repeat after me: “Coal good. Me like Coal”) have been under attack: In Israel, a coal plant ran into trouble when jellyfish blocked its seawater supply. Is nothing sacred to these smarmy spates? Are we seeing a jellyfish jihad, a plankton plethora, a plague pattern pronouncing our populace’s plateaued, or piffle?
Okay, now we’re rolling. How the heck do I turn on Adwords?

For over a decade, organizations like scientists, universities, and the (re)insurance companies have declared anthropogenic forcing of the radiative balance a key peril. Do they ever mention jellyfish? Worse, media outlets continue to declare that the effects of anthropogenic forcing of the radiative balance–if there are any serious ones–are decades off, with hardly a tweet about jellyfish. And talking about storm-delivered damage: “Golly, we didn’t know we were going to get more severe storms. We forgot to plan for the increased damage. We can’t pay for it. And how could we have known we would get more severe storms, anyway? What a shock!”

You might say all this is a function of stupidity, morons-as-leaders, graft, corruption–I say you are wrong. I say the problem is jellyfish.

So the answer is…

Like so many other problems that we face (The following message is sponsored by the North American Buggy-Whip Manufacturers Association), the old answers are the best answers: Let’s consume our way out of the problem. We claim to be a consumer society–let’s put some teeth into the problem. Add jellyfish to the fast food menus of this country in an all-out assault on the threat! Let’s chew the slimy little fish-imposters out of existence–just as we have done with so many other ocean-born species. Why not lower the bar on fast food from one of excessive oil, salt, starch, and modified gristle to jellyfish. You might ask, “Is it even feasible to lower the bar on fast food?”

I say: Punish the plankton! End the tyranny of tentacles! Happy-meal the harpies of the Hebrides! Did you know that when all is said and done, jellyfish are no more than over-stressed polyps? How disgusting is that?

In Japan, schoolchildren will boil down a four-hundred-pound jellyfish into a powder, compose a paste, and make candy out of them. Where is our national pride? Founded as a nation dedicated to its people, by the end of the 20th century America came to be seen as an imperialistic, warlike nation with an unending need to consume. Today we are seen as no more than a pathetic bully, a sock puppet for transnational interests who control our country through bribery and intimidation. Where did we go wrong? How could we have traded unbridled consumerism for unbridled ignorance? America has the skills for morselization of the evil empire, but the United States has lost its national identity. How, you might ask, is that possible?

Jellyfish have no brains, no backbone, and no heart. Add a little slime, and don’t you know almost anything is possible?