Solicitation PR-BS-4U-IN-2012: Analysis and Modeling of Hail Events

BIZOPS Synopsis:

The JIVE  (Justifying Ineffective Ventures of Expansion) seeks a contractor for support and analysis of BDH (Big Damn Hail) and  the development of  NRFI (Nonsensical Reasons For It) under the CMA (Clean Media Act). JIVE has the responsibility for RLP (Repealing the Laws of Physics) of current and/or potential future weather events as well as encouraging the use of MM (Meteorological Mysticism); further the implementation of PnP (Programs and Prattle) aimed at confusing public perceptions about the environment, while developing EEL (Excusing Energy Liabilities) to limit fossil fuel accountability from ongoing propaganda efforts in support of their stock prices. Additional JIVE responsibilities include setting public perception on outmoded energy generation methods, focus on enhancing archaic definitions, such as base load and centralized distribution, and to assure oversight with such standards, or any others, that characterize energy improvement as BOTCHED (Brilliantly Orchestrated Through Contemptible Hustling of Energy Development).

The objective of this solicitation is to support the JIVE effort by analyzing BDH (Big Damn Hail) and developing control methods of public perception for damage and the causes of increased hail size. Services to be performed must include:

A.  Evisceration of actuarial and scientific analysis of hail, including:

1. Watts per square meter of forcing by both CO2 and non-CO2 gases
2. Analysis of rain fall rates and rate trends over the last fifty years
3. Trends in hail size over the last fifty years
4. Trends in hail mass over the last fifty years
5. Automobile damage analysis from hail over the last fifty years
6. Residential damage analysis from hail over the last fifty years
7. Tornado energy analysis
8. Analysis of hail damage areas and changes in latitudinal location over time

B.  Secondarily, efforts should include:

1. Methods for sequestering earlier incorrect hail analysis by industry supported think tanks
2. General rulemaking support for media commentary
3. Technical and administrative support for op-eds, webinars, meetings, and public hearings
4. Literature review and analysis with recommendations for burying data that might lead to legal action against carbon-based industries
5. Use of Photoshop for adding persons of color to images of hail damage

C.  Finally, further removal or the burying of references on the Internet, in books, or mass media to:

1. Texas-sized hail
2. Carbon intensity
3. Truth
4. Trust in science

The successful contractor will be expected to provide all necessary legal, PR, and graft in support of the efforts outlined, including a non-traceable methods of payment. No hard copies will be provided. Solicitation PR-BS-4U-IN-2012 will not appear on the Internet or any other traceable source.

Significant potential exists for an organizational conflict of interest under this procurement. Therefore, the contractor that provides support must be free from organizational conflicts of interest in order to ensure the integrity of various analyses, modeling, and other activities associated with the development of PR-BS-4U-IN-2012. It is anticipated to be in our best interest to exclude all of the following groups from award of any contract resulting from this solicitation: independent scientific institutions, accredited colleges and universities, climatologists, the UN, any foreign research organization, or any research organization not dependent on fossil fuel funding.

Otherwise, in the spirit of the free market, this solicitation will be completed through full and open competition. For more information, contact any JIVE lobbyist.