JOKE TIME !!!

Okay, so stop me if you’ve heard this one. An environmentalist, a blogger, and fossil fuel executive walk into a bar. The environmentalist walks up to the bartender and asks for, ‘A green planet, neat.’ The blogger says, ‘Hey, I’ll have word with you.’ The fossil fuel executive passes gas.

Ba-doomp-boomp. You know, Hadley a day goes by that I don’t think about the climate. Hadley as in Hadley cells? Hey Louie, where’d you get this bunch?

All right, let’s try again. So I just had a terrible battle with my girlfriend, Sandy. I came home from work and the car was in the living room. So I says to her, ‘How’d you get the car in the living room?’ She answers, ‘I made a right turn at the TV.’

Nothin’ huh? Ah c’mon, that’s a standard.

So I says to Sandy, I said, ‘Baloney. You’re full of gas.’ Well that made her sea level rise. In fact the comment led to a divorce. She demanded I turn over all my shorelines to her. I said no. The morale of the story: It has happened before and it will happen again–that’s for shore.

Don’t like puns, huh? Fine–note to self–no puns.

Okay, so what did the media lackey say to the man in the street? Ah come on, you know this one. You don’t? Okay, so what did the media lackey say to the man in the street: ‘Your best bet for economic safety is shale oil and gas.’

Oh come on. Work with me.

Anyway so the man in the street says, ‘Why shale oil?’ So the hack says, you’re gonna’ love this… ‘Because a resilient sustainable economy is really a tax on us!’

Ain’t that hoot! Hey, I can’t make this stuff up.

Fine, let’s try this, gosh you guys are sooo tough: What do you get when you mate shale oil with climate change? Right more climate change…

Oh, I heard a bit of laughter. Did I wake someone up?

Try this–so what’s the difference between looting and bailout? Right, your contribution to a PAC. Or the difference between tax evasion and tax planning? Right, your contribution to a PAC. How about the difference between extortion and democracy? Right again–it’s a PAC. Now we’re rollin’.

Wait. Wait, I got another one: An EV and a gas guzzler roll into a filling station. Low and behold, whom should they meet there but a state governor? The governor walks over to the SUV and fills it up with gas. Then he turns to the EV and says, ‘You pay.’ Ain’t that rich? Or did you hear the one about the state legislator that said there was no such thing as sea level rise? Everyone thinks he’s all wet.

Wait. I heard someone laugh. Oh, hi, Mom.

So a climatologist and a corporate think tank researcher go for a walk. They come across a bridge. The steel is rusted though. The bridge sways with the wind. The roadway has holes the size of coffins. The climatologist says, ‘That bridge is collapsing.’ In response, the think tank shill says, ‘Rust is a natural occurrence. There is nothing wrong here.’ Then, a well-known environmental crusader joins them. He says, ‘Let’s form a group to remove the rust.’ The climatologist says, ‘We need to put up a sign saying the bridge is dangerous or people might get hurt.’ So, get this: The think tank shill walks onto the bridge and says, ‘I see nothing wrong here. I have lots of money.’ At that moment, the bridge collapses and the researcher falls to his death. The environmentalist turns to the climatologist. “I guess that’s one way to avoid prosecution. The climatologist responds, ‘By the way, where the heck were you before?’ The environmentalist says, ‘Sorry, my plane just landed and I was planting a tree–carbon offset you know.’

Jet? Biofuel? Offset? Scam? Oh my, not a sound. Hey, is this a nightclub here or an oil PAC strategy meeting? Wait here’s another one.

A news-person walks into a party and sees a beautiful climatologist. He walks up to the comely climatologist and looks her over. He sidles up next to her and says, ‘Meteorologists claimed Superstorm-Sandy might cause anywhere from $5 billion to $10 billion in insured losses–before the storm. The latest results says $25 billion plus in insured losses. What’s your estimate on damage from the next big storm, Doc?’ She replies, ‘I’m a climatologist not an actuary. Say, are you trying to screw me?’ Then, get this one, the news-person says, ‘I think so, but let me check with my advertisers to figure out how to do it.’

I heard that laughter.

Okay okay, so a fracking lobbyist and an environmentalist walk into a bar. The fracking lobbyist says, ‘What will you have?’ The environmentalist replies, ‘Devastation, on the rocks.’ The fracking lobbyist adds, ‘He means water.’

You’re not laughing.

One last go at it, an old joke. Ready? Ya’ sure? Okay:

‘The economy is more important than planetary forces.’