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To Serve Man: The Climate Satisfaction Survey

We at Oligarchy Inc., have provided you with access to the Climate Satisfaction Survey because of your confidence in our handling of the changing climate, as well as your dependency on our economic system. Please take five minutes to answer the following survey so that we may serve you.

The Climate Satisfaction Survey is broken up into four sections:

Part 1 — Abuses of Power

Part 2 — Current Attitudes About the Changing Climate

Part 3 — Solutions

Part 4 — Your Input or Suggestions for Improving Our Survey

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Part 1 — Abuses of Power

The free-market system has not become a myth. It is alive and well: 

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

Critical thinking has no place in modern society:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Really, You Should Agree   □ Your Insurgent Response Has Been Noted

Truth lacks merit when it does not benefit those in power:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Agree   □ Agree   □ Agree

Riding out the worst of the changing climate will be straightforward with wealth:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Just Jealous   □ Whom Do I Have to Kill?

Unchecked climate change (business as usual) fosters a corrupt and lawless society: 

□ See Previous Question  □ No Way That Could Happen   □ Stupit Question    □ Disagree    □ Strongly Disagree

Freedom is the ability to buy what you want, when you want it, on the Internet, or in a store–as long as you have a good credit score:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Revenue First   □ No Doubt About It   □ Wouldn’t Have It Any Other Way – Right?

A healthy environment–both internal to the body and external to the body–is important:

□ Transgenic Foods Are Your Friend   □ Got Gluten Sensitivity? □ I Really Like Fracking □ Earthquakes Are Random, Right? □ Just Get Me Some Cheap Food, Some Cheap Booze, a Smart Phone and a Smoke

The Social Contract is not a consideration for a corrupted society:

□ Huh   □ Social What?   □ I Didn’t Sign No Contract   □ The Social Contract – is that like an STD?   □ Gun Control takes away our freedom

Civilization can be defined as the advancement of knowledge, ethics, and morality. Economics is a tool that can facilitate civilization, but only when it is viewed through the lens of the other three:

□ What a Pile of BS   □ War is Peace   □ Darn Liberal Media   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

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Part 2 — Current Attitudes About the Changing Climate

Recognizing a clear and present climate danger is defeatism:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

Ignoring a clear and present danger is victory:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

Equities should always increase in value because they define the worth of a publically held corporation and its leadership:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

An energized, chaotic climate will have minimal affect on world GDP:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree, Because I Am a Researcher Receiving Grant Money   □ Strongly Disagree, Because I Am Against a Strong Economy

The lobbying machine in Congress is responsive to the changing climate:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree (How much will it cost to change that view of yours?)   □ Strongly Disagree (Your Term Here is About to End, Ever Think About Lobbying?)

A call to duty for the citizens of a nation can include the following environmental events:

□ Sinkholes and Flooding   □ Methane Blasts   ■ Providing More Subsidies to the Fossil Fuels   ■ Shipping Coal to Asia ■ Building Fossil Fuel Pipelines

The media presents a biased view of the changing climate based on the edicts those who own the media network:

□ Nope   □ Never   □ Neutral   □ Negative   □ No Way

Controlled information access is a story that holds a punch line of Fascism:

□ Ever Heard of Big Data?   □ Do You Want To Be Unemployed Soon?   □ You’re Not Even a Vet Are You?   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

The corporate media machine exists. It seeks to develop clarity and decisive action in the population, fostering a respectful proactive response to the changing climate:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Laughing   □ Laughing on the floor

(Sorry, boss, we couldn’t help it. This one is just too ridiculous.)

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Part 3 – Solutions

With a changing climate, you must live with destruction and death:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

The solution to the changing climate is to support economy above the environment:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Strongly Agree  □ Strongly Agree  □ Strongly Agree  □ Strongly Agree!

The solution to the changing climate is geoengineering the planet regardless of the secondary and tertiary events fostered by that geoengineering:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

Aerosols can reflect the energy of the sun modifying the radiative balance of the planet:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

Aerosols will randomize the over-energized-non-linear-system we call climate:

□ Aerosols Make My Bathroom Smell Good □ Can You Say Polar Vortex?  □ Chemtrails, OMG!   □ Look Up, Stupid   □ Hey, Where’d Those Clouds Come From?

Walls or barriers will stop sea level rise:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree  □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Ever Been in a Bath Tub?

(Sorry, Boss, we’ll edit out the jokes before publishing the survey.)

The solution to the changing climate is a sharp reduction in CO₂ and other GHGs:

□ As Long As It Doesn’t Hurt The Economy   □ The Climate Has Nothing to Do With GHGs   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

Keeping our society fractured will work as a control scheme in the face of a chaotic climate and its wacky weather:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Duh, How Could It? □ Jacobin

The solution to the changing climate is eliminating large portions of the population:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Heartily Agree   □ I Thought We Weren’t Supposed to Mention This?   □ Ebola is Your Friend   □ The Zombie Apocalypse is What Really Worries Us

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Part 4 – Your Input or Suggestions for Improving Our Survey. Please add your own questions or comments

• Sharp reductions in CO₂ are a fait accompli. The only question is how much time and how much pain we will endure before implementing steep reductions in GHGs:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

• Our elected representatives remain restrained from an effective response to the changing climate due to a lack of political will among the citizenry:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

• The fossil-based-culture has a view of the poor and middle class that is both dismissive and fearful:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

• The nation seeks our involvement in working the problem of a rapidly changing climate:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

• I am willing to make sacrifices for the good of our nation and our progeny:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Thinking About it   □ Do it Anyway   □ Do it Anyway, Please

• _____________________________________________:

□ Strongly Agree   □ Agree   □ Neutral   □ Disagree   □ Strongly Disagree

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 Feel free to fill out the survey and send it to your elected officials.

… “To Serve Man”…ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh